"...60 Plus Years Of Setting Insanely Unreasonble Expectations On The Shoulders Of Women Is About To Come Roaring Around Like Katrina Hitting Pompei..."

 

hey, guys….

I’ve stumbled across a couple of the trailers for the forthcoming movie version of “Fifty Shades of Grey” as well as the first snap, crackle and pop of female posts on FB regarding it…while I don’t profess to be fluent, I have, in fifty plus years of experience, begun somewhat proficient in, at least, speaking female so, by way of doin you boys a solid, here‘s my 8 step plan to pre-emptively prepare yourself for what’s coming (and no, the puns have not begun yet).

 

1.   Read as much as you can stand of, at least, three or four of the various and sundry novels written by such writers as Danielle Steel, Nicholas Sparks, et al.....this will give you a foundational understanding of the concept of romance and/or seduction that doesn't always necessarily, automatically and instantly get you laid.

2. Watch as much as you can handle of any Merchant Ivory produced movie (Remains of the Day, et al)...here, you will receive, at least, a rudimentary lesson in understanding confusing and indecipherable phrases like "secrets of the heart", "unrequited love", "sacrifice for my beloved" as well as the soon to be necessary "a feverish dance", "lips to skin like cool ice on a summer day" and "backs that arch without breaking, fingers that intertwine without imprisoning".

3. Buy an inexpensive dictionary, highlight, read and then re-read the definitions of the following words until you can recite their meaning from memory.

   A. sensual

   B. erotic

   C. passion

   D. foreplay

   E. caress

   F. linger

   G. stroking (not you...her)

   H. pulsating

    I. urgent

   J. climax (not Klymax, that was a band)

   K. desire

   L. aching

   M. simultaneous

   N. unselfishly

repeatedly re-read, in particular...A, B, C, E, F, G, K and most importantly N.

   4. Do a "cleanse" and avoid any hip hop music of any kind. This will at least give you a running chance of understanding that the way to a woman's heart, even her soul, is through her eyes and not her va jay jay.

   5. Resolve never to be heard saying the term "va jay jay" out loud.

   6. As Valentine's Day (and the movie premiere) draw near, do a comprehensive refresher of all the steps listed thus far.

   7. No more than two days before the movie premiere, suck it up and read as much as your DNA will allow you of the actual book. Worst case, you'll decide that you actually can live without sex with a woman ever again as there is simply no way on God's green Earth that you could possible measure up. Best case, you'll have some small idea of what you're going to be up against for pretty much the rest of the year (your life).

   8. Starting February 14....take your lady to dinner, offer to sit with her through "The Notebook" at home on the couch while you cuddle and suggest, no, insist, that it would be great fun to spend the coming weekend shoe shopping because once this Grey matter goes mainstream, the chance of your scoring without, at least, those incentives are significantly less that the chances of Tampa Bay scoring between now and the playoffs.

BONUS TIP: in the event of a total failure to either impress or, at best, distract her from this possibly fatal blow to our manhoods (yeah, we're pretty much knee deep into the pun thing, now), simply return to the step list, choose step #3, Definition "G", reverse and re-read the words found in the parenthesis.

Repeat every 12 hours, as needed......

Good luck, my friends...